Updated: Jan 11
Much like the adorable, week-old baby in the photo, beginning her life and not knowing what to expect, I too am beginning anew.
I don't know where I am going. I don't know really who God wants me to be or what He wants me to do. I have many ideas but don't know how to organize them or get them from idea to fruition (I am a bit ADD like that). SO many dreams not accomplished. I feel I am at the whim of my mind and my mind like the wind, blowing a leaf from one idea or thought or emotion to the next. Unable to land in one spot long enough to enjoy it. Do I want to be a painter? A blogger? A website holder? what if nobody wants to hear what I think? After all, blogging was so a decade ago in popularity... An explorer? A preschool teacher with her very own teaching space? Do I want to go back to school and start a degree? A treasure seeker? A photographer? what kind of photographer? People? Animal? Nature? Abstract? Only black and white? Will I ever get to have a gallery showcase? Does anyone even want to see my work? would they buy it? Should I craft? What should I make? When I do make something, why can't I make more than one or a few without getting tired and want to find or do something else? A craft cabinet and dresser and 3 tubs full of incomplete ideas and dreams.
If this is a new beginning, it doesn't look like I'm off to a great start. Nine days into the new year of 2022 and I'm mentally flailing. Feet pointing in many different directions. Yet, I seem hopeful. I'm not sure why. I woke up after a bad night sleep. Horrible dreams and difficulty breathing. I wasn't feeling like a good human, just a mindless body. Maybe it's because I went for a walk on a scavenger hunt with my daughter to find her birthday present. It was 23 degrees with a windchill factor of 9 degrees but the sun felt good and actually warm on my face; the only skin visible for the wind to torture. I hadn't been outside in days and was probably low on vitamin D and fresh air. I also livened up a bit more when I was decorating for my girl's birthday. She likes giraffes, elephants and whales. Well, we had no whale toys to decorate the table with, so I decided to get crafty and make origami whales. It was a huge hit and we all made so many whales as it is the easiest origami I have ever done. My son and I also helped the neighbors who are sick and have a new baby, salt their inch thick ice sheet of a driveway. By midafternoon, I was feeling great.
Night is here now and I'm about to sleep. Will it be another horrid night of despicable dreams? Will I struggle to breathe again? Will I do good at work? How do I change patterns that I so want to change but seems unmotivated or as I've heard, set in my ways- which I do not agree with at all. I know I can change. I've done it before. Many years ago. I was young and hopeful. Saved out of a life ending situation (blog for another day?) ready for new life. Begging for it. Drinking it in in huge gulps, not able to get enough. Everything moving fast as God was moving quickly. It was great. It was fun. It was adventurous. Now I seem to be dragging. House is a mess all the time. I have no want to clean. My poor husband has been doing it all for months now. I feel useless and missing out on life because I'm stuck in the repetition of the mundane. Clean this, clean that, wash this, fold that. I DONT WANT TO! Selfish, I know. Extremely selfish. I'm working on it.
Lots of thoughts to type but my first blog is long already. So much to pour out- this may be my new therapy. So, here's to NEW BEGINNINGS. I read this verse today, "Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." Romans 12:2. May God bless you and keep you of sound mind. I know I will start praying that every day. And maybe, just maybe, I will feel less like a leaf on the breeze, and more like a tree. The wind will blow but I will stay put for God has my roots strong and firm unwavering.